|
"Where writers go to be read.
Where readers go to be inspired."
|
| Most Recently Published Titles (Fiction : Any Genre) |
Author - Title
Brief Synopsis - Reviews
|
Rating
(Last Rating Date) |
Date Published |
|
|
Author: S. Gaia Chapin
Title: DARK MERCY - Chapter 1
|
8 from 1 rating.
|
Read
01-Mar-2010 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Thriller/Suspense,
Chapter Excerpt
Brief Synopsis: A bounty hunter with paramilitary training, shadow group ties, and a special facility: an abnormally heightened sense of smell, uses his gift to track the man who murdered his mother.
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
|
Tara Nicholas : I like the feel of this story. The character has a sense of reality to him that comes through the writing.
I especially like the dialogue and interactions of the characters. The descriptions of what things smell like was good, and the scene with the boy eating the french fries and what could'a happened was great.
Congrats on getting published and thanks for sharing the Chapter excerpt. Where can we get the entire book?
(13-Mar-10)
|
|
|
Author: Darius Nease
Title: The Day my Daughter Died
|
Be the First to Rate it.
|
Read
09-May-2009 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Short Story
Brief Synopsis: A father's tender and whiskied thoughts about the most important girl in his life...
|
|
|
|
Author: Janet
Title: Last Night I Saw You
|
Be the First to Rate it.
|
Read
15-Mar-2009 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Insanity/Madness
Brief Synopsis: This is a poem about a loved one that I miss. I think I hallucinated and sensed him last night, as the title mentions.
|
|
|
|
Author: Janet
Title: Last Night I Saw You
|
7 from 1 rating.
|
Read
15-Mar-2009 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Insanity/Madness
Brief Synopsis: This is a poem about a loved one that I miss. I think I hallucinated and sensed him last night, as the title mentions.
|
|
|
| |
|
Author: Sghoul
Title: Victoria City Heroes - Ch. 7
|
5 from 2 ratings.
|
Read
21-Jul-2008 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Science Fiction
Brief Synopsis:
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
Tara Nicholas : I didn't like this. Not because of the subject but because it rang flat. There wasn't enough exposition in the dialogue.
You should have given some indication of the people speaking in the beginning. Intersperse that throughout the dialogue and it helps move the action along. It read like a court room transcript. Which is fine for a court room but not for fiction.
You don't have to data dump the Mayor's features in the first paragraph but give them little by little. The dialogue was crisp and clearly her demeanor was position was clear but re-enforce that through brief descriptions of her appearance.
For example her reply to "sin" was good but it would have been more effective/interesting to get a read on her face just briefly before she continued.
"The mayor's head tilted subtly. She had heard this question so many times before. Her voice was neutral and calm as always during interviews but the exhausted patience with stupidity hung within her breath. 'The same we have always said on such matters....' The reporter blinked, his face too still for television. 'Wow', he said before catching himself. He suddenly straightened his back and turned his now carefully controlled persona toward the camera. 'Well that's all the time...' "
This 'chapter' needs more fleshing out. You seem rushed to get the to big reveal but didn't let the reader stop and ponder, wonder, or work out aspects of that reveal before hand. I think you also missed some opportunities to give the reader more information on the people of Victoria City through the eyes of the reporter and Mayor reactions. Like I said the dialogue was good and easiely followed. You cut too much to the bone with this. Put some more meat back on that chapter and it'll be great. (We need some editing tools for writers on the site. I hope it's in the works.)
(22-Jul-08)
|
|
|
Author: Jennie Marie Lein
Title: Be Careful What You Wish For
|
7 from 2 ratings.
|
Read
10-May-2008 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Short Story,
Mystery
Brief Synopsis: Desperate to sell an old farmhouse so she can escape the winters of upstate New York (and her husband) for the warmth of Florida, Ms. Brooks is unprepared for how quickly her odd prospective buyer helps her realize her dream.
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
Sandy Lulay : I really enjoyed the story. Chaping and Tara gave great critiques. I'd love to see this expanded into a novel. Vampire themes are very popular. Keep up the good writing:) (20-Jun-08)
Author Reply: "Thanks very much for your comments! Yes, I appreciate the other critiques, too. I hadn't thought about expanding this into a novel, although I have since revised the story and it's a tad longer. Still, there is room for it to expand.
" (23-Jun-08)
|
S. Gaia Chapin : Since you read my story, I wanted to read yours.
I thought your story was quite interesting. It stands as a short story. I'm not sure if this is the first chapter of the novel that you're editing. I liked the ending particularly, the style of the writing, how you suggested she'd been turned into a vampire. It read like poetry.
I thought the couple of paragraphs of backstory so close to the beginning (about the murdered Realtor) could use either some trimming, or written more through the filter of Ms. Brooks' emotional response to what happened, probably a little of both. On the other hand, the few lines about Ray, (when I used to love him, etc.) was just enough backstory for the length of this piece.
Something about calling the vampire a waif throughout the story seemed odd to me. It does conjure a look and a movement in the reader's mind, but you might actually describe how she moves. The staring is good, her attire description is good. Also, I didn't have a clear picture of Ms. Brooks. Her internal monolog made her sound younger than I think you had in mind. Is she supposed to be around 50? She sounded more like 30. You touched on the age difference between the two characters, described it succintly and cleaverly, since a vampire could be very old, yet their appearance forever young, so they seem old and young at the same time. It's just something about the way Ms. Brooks thinks, not quite seasoned enough. It's just a gut response.
Suggestions: first paragraph, how does the bleak day make Ms. Brooks' body feel? Do her bones hurt? You told me how the day makes the house look, but the house isn't the main character. When the client is so insistent about seeing the house at night, how does Ms. Brooks feel about that? You "tell" me about a murder in the past. Also, "show" me Ms. Brooks figit with her button, or begin to sweat with the thought of going there at night. Something visual and emotional.
Again, it's a neat story. Keep writing. Hope some of my comments help. (28-May-08)
Author Reply: "Thank you so much for your comments. You and Tara have provided me with some good constructive criticism that I have started to incorporate into a revision of the story. One thing I have done is dropped the backstory of the murdered Realtor, and focused more on the buyer's "need" to avoid the sun (hence, her desire to meet at night). I originally thought of Ms. Brooks as being about 50, but age is something I find difficult to pin down. She's young enough to want to escape her husband and move to a Florida beach and re-experience something of her youth, but she's old enough to have shared a long history with Ray and, in my revision, that's a history she finds hard to let go of.
Thanks again for your comments. I really appreciate them." (02-Jun-08)
|
Tara Nicholas : This is a little tease of a much larger potential story.
I felt the introduction of her dissappointment with her husband was a little jarring. Perhaps weave it into some other part of the beginning so it doesn't come across as so much exposition. When you mention the commission you could mention how it will provide freedom as well.
I like the descriptions of the cellar and use of the word moist is great. Old root cellars have a moist smell to them which I think you captured rather well.
The dialogue read naturally - even with the weird displayed characters for single quotes and double quotes. (Site needs to fix this, please.)
SPOILER ALERT HERE --------
You provided hope that she may not be completely eaten but turned. Was she afraid of the waif woman or mildly intriqued by her? Would she want to be turned? Was selling the house her only motivation? Perhaps she had a small seductive quality toward the waif. You hinted at that near the end with how the "bite" felt on her neck. Was that intentional? It's the first time any sort of sexual context was mentioned and just before the story ends so it gives hope she would still live. Especially given this line "...only this time, in my fantasy, it's after dark and the moon is my sun."
If you had mentioned pain and fear we could assume it wasn't a gentle death and she really did die.
Minor clarity near the end would be helpful with foreshadowing somehow.
I liked the story though. Thanks for sharing and look forward to seeing if there is more from you like this. (10-May-08)
Author Reply: "Tara,
Thank you so much for your comments. I agree that I need to rework the first couple of pages. The paragraphs on the buyer's "sensitivity" to the sun and the death of Ms. Brook's friend were suggested by a friend who thought I needed to include some explanation as to why the vampire was able to be out in the day, and to heighten the sense of danger that Ms. Brooks herself was in. I think those paragraphs are still important, but, as you note, I need to work on their placement. I also agree that I need to work on the ending.
Thanks again. I'm happy when I get complimented on my writing, but I like it even better when I get suggestions for improvement :-)
" (14-May-08)
|
|
| |
|
Author: Sghoul
Title: Victoria City Heroes - Chapter 5
|
5 from 1 rating.
|
Read
18-Apr-2008 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Science Fiction
Brief Synopsis:
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
Sandy Lulay : I am enjoying the development of your character Foreman. The little touch about his wife was good. Foreman seems like a regular guy in a sci fi story. It will be interesting to read how he copes. (30-May-08)
|
|
|
Author: Sghoul
Title: Victoria City - Chapter 4
|
6 from 1 rating.
|
Read
11-Feb-2008 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Science Fiction
Brief Synopsis:
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
Tara Nicholas : Sghoul you torture us.
I want more of these characters. Longer chapters please.
I'm thinking this person is not Markus or the Pyramid character you mentioned before. I think you need more descriptions of this character.
You did a decent job on the car but color seems to be an element you could have used in this "chapter" that would have given it more visual appeal.
For example you mention his tattered coat. Is it a dusty brown like a cowboys or a matte black like Neo's trench from the Matrix films?
What color is his hair and how well does it slick back with blood soaked hands?
Also I'm not sure I understand this character completely but would it have been in character if he took one last shot at a thug as that thug ran away? That would surely separate his morale compass from the other characters you mentioned in previous chapters.
I like this world and the stories are coming together (somewhat slowly but that's ok. I like a slow build.) but put a little more meat on the bones of your action and scenery and these chapters would scream and be much more engaging.
I'm still looking forward to the next chapter. Hopefully this review is useful and not seen as a slam.
Keep up the writing and thanks for sharing. I like reading your stuff. (15-Feb-08)
|
|
|
Author: Gojiro
Title: The Box Man at the Heart of the World
|
10 from 1 rating.
|
Read
18-Jan-2008 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Fantasy,
Short Short
Brief Synopsis:
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
Sandy Lulay : Wonderful short story. Illistrated, this would be a great childrens book. Thank's for posting it:) (24-Jan-08)
Author Reply: "Thank you! I never saw it as a children's story, but now that you've put the idea in my head, it intrigues me ..." (24-Jan-08)
|
|
|
Author: S. Gaia Chapin
Title: Amateur
|
8.2 from 6 ratings.
|
Read
19-Nov-2007 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Thriller/Suspense,
Short Story
Brief Synopsis: A man with a secret life underestimates his girlfriend and pays for his mistake.
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
Jennie Marie Lein : I had great fun reading this story. Your use of language is wonderful: great play of words and good imagery. It gave me chills to realize that this guy was a serial killer and that Alisha would have been his next victim. After the first thrill of reading, I do have a few questions: Was he intending to kill Alisha all along, regardless of whether she had been pregnant? Did the woman at the train station in Barcelona actually accused him of murder to Alisha, or did she just clue Alisha in to the fact that she had seen him with many other women? What does Alisha get out of killing him? Initially I thought she did it to save her own life, but if she suspected him of planning to kill her, why didn't she just break away from him? Wss robbing him part of her plan, too?
One tiny bit of editing: Should be "They rode to the second floor," not "They road to the second floor" (on page 3).
I hope you've continued to work on this story and that you've submitted it for publication. (10-May-08)
Author Reply: "Thanks for reading my story. Glad you enjoyed it, and that the story made you think and ask questions. Been a while since I read it myself. Had to do so to answer your questions. I think every reader views a story differently, and differntly from the writer's intent, and that's okay, but here goes . . .
Yes, he was intending to do the mean deed, because that's who he is. Alisha said it herself at the end, knocking a girl up first was part of the thrill for him--a two for one deal. The woman at the station only recognized him as a womanizer, not a killer. What Alisha got out of killing him was the money he brought for her, but much more than that was the satisfaction that she was better at the job, the sport, whatever you call what a serial killer does, than he was. She won. He didn't know she was the same thing he was. She did know. In a weird way, you might say, this is a story about serial killer feminism. I hope this answers your questions.
Thanks for noting the typo too. A lot of people have read this, and it's been published; yet, no one until you noticed the error.
Thanks again, and happy writing.
" (14-May-08)
|
Tara Nicholas : Spoilers (We need a spoiler alert tag for reviews.)
If Peter Falk were a bastard this is how he would be. The language is so Columbo and dark and gritty. It is quick and precise. It has that essence of gumshoe but for the other side of the law.
"Spring had taken winter by its toes and hurled it into the past." This type of phrase is pure dark detective fiction to me. Say it with a Peter Falk accent and you'll know what I mean. Then read the rest of that "page" like that. Along with the descriptive text and imagery it really adds to the picture in the mind. Is that good? Did you intend to pull from such an iconic source?
I wasn't sure exactly what was going on and only truly understood the abortion angle near the end. The clue with the man and the knife - considering what I read before - may have been some weird sex game he pays for and she provides. I'm kinda dense sometimes. (Going back I missed the window scene were she put his hand on her belly. I need to read slower.)
"her pink tongue tip protruded between her lips like a ripe nipple." Imagery like this really sold the story. And reall stands out in contrast to future behavior. She is so innocent when we meet her and then it all turns.
I do have one question: Where did she get the gun? Was she carrying a purse?
You put together such details to leave this one area unknown begs some questions.
I liked the story very much and it was an enjoyable read.
Thank you for sharing. (25-Nov-07)
Author Reply: "Thanks for your review. Although I admit I still watch Columbo reruns and get a kick out of his sly intelligence, I never thought of my writing in this story as evoking his character at all. But what the reader gets and what the writer intends are often different. As it should be. As far as the man with the knife, I saw that as her view of some sinister person who would perform the abortion. I suppose she did bring the gun to the hotel room in her purse. Okay, I guess I did leave out that detail. I'm glad you liked the story. Thanks for reading." (26-Nov-07)
|
Sandy Lulay : I really enjoy your attention to details. I thought the dialogue was great and flowed nicely. The tension was very well done between the characters. The ending came as a complete surprise. Would love to read more from you. (21-Nov-07)
Author Reply: "Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. I am trying to get more out there." (22-Nov-07)
|
|
|
Author: Sandy Lulay
Title: Don Pedro Gilbert
|
1 from 1 rating.
|
Read
13-Nov-2007 |
Category: Fiction, Genre(s): Short Short
Brief Synopsis:
|
Last 3 Review(s)
(
SHOW -
HIDE
)
Gojiro : I like this. As the previous reviewer said, this is a fun read! And thank you for the appreciation. You've really inspired me to do more with that story! (27-Jan-08)
|
S. Gaia Chapin : Your fun write was a fun read. The places your mind goes is always fascinating. I did feel that the story jumped around a bit, the sequence of events not quite a straight line. I think it may be the way you place your descriptions.
A patch of seaweed caught in a mess of tar stopped us. Cathy searched the sand for a nesting turtle, hoping one would come ashore. It was a beautiful, balmy night in May. Perfect for a sighting of a logger head turtle laying eggs on our Stuart beach. --Seaweed to tar to turtle to balmy night back to turtle. Each thing is okay in itself, but to me, one idea does not follow to the next cleanly. -- Does that make any sense to you?
The House of Refuge stood tall on stilts in the saw grass and dunes. We could almost hear the ghosts of pirate ships creaking in the May Atlantic breeze. --Also here, how can you make the House of Refuge relate to the ghosts of pirate ships? Instead of two separate descriptive moments, can you connect them? --
But I love this, I love how it rhymes:
“Can’t kill me, no they can’t. I’ll never leave the Treasure Coast. I’ll always be wearin’ this hangin’ rope and roamin’ by the sea haunting this Florida Beach. I’m countin’ my treasures, drinkin’ rum and thinkin’ of ships and women I’ve won. Oh my crow, that was fun!”
There's a ton of potential in this little ditty. Even beyond the points I made (which are only my humble opinion), I enjoyed reading it. And I loved how it all came together at the end, when you found the pieces of eight in your pocket.
(20-Nov-07)
Author Reply: "Thanks for such an in depth review. I'm finding the short story very difficult as I tend to want to make it a poem. I hope I can develope a better "short story voice" with all these helpful critiques. " (21-Nov-07)
S. Gaia Chapin : Funny you should say you want to make prose into poetry. That thought did cross my mind when I was reading your short story. I think that's why it jumps. Prose needs to be so much more expanded than poetry. That's why poetry is hard. So much expression in so few words. Remember, people only bother giving critisism when the piece is interesting enough to be worth their time. (22-Nov-07 )
|
Tara Nicholas : What an interesting short short for the writing prompt.
I would like to have gotten more descriptive text in some parts. The feel of the water, the touch of spray from the ocean, stuff like that would have given it a real creep factor to add to the tone of the story.
Whenever I'm at the beach it's the smell that keeps me there. It's so much different than inland activities. I can't get the smell from my mind. I think a dead ghost pirate would have a very powerful affect on the environment.
For a short short it told the story well, I just think there are some senses missing in the telling that would enhance it. You know? Thanks for sharing. (15-Nov-07)
Author Reply: "Thanks for the great review... I always learn so much from them. I agree with what you have said. It could have been much more creepy. Smell is something I never thought of. And at times it can really be smelly on that beach. " (15-Nov-07)
|
|
| |
|
|
|
