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Jennie Marie Lein Image Be Careful What You Wish For^[P] [• READ THIS TITLE •]
Genre(s): Short Story, Mystery•Language: English
Author: Jennie Marie Lein

Brief Synopsis
Desperate to sell an old farmhouse so she can escape the winters of upstate New York (and her husband) for the warmth of Florida, Ms. Brooks is unprepared for how quickly her odd prospective buyer helps her realize her dream.

Author Notes
No author notes provided.

Reviews

Sandy Lulay : I really enjoyed the story. Chaping and Tara gave great critiques. I'd love to see this expanded into a novel. Vampire themes are very popular. Keep up the good writing:) (20-Jun-08)
Author Reply: "Thanks very much for your comments! Yes, I appreciate the other critiques, too. I hadn't thought about expanding this into a novel, although I have since revised the story and it's a tad longer. Still, there is room for it to expand. " (23-Jun-08)

S. Gaia Chapin : Since you read my story, I wanted to read yours. I thought your story was quite interesting. It stands as a short story. I'm not sure if this is the first chapter of the novel that you're editing. I liked the ending particularly, the style of the writing, how you suggested she'd been turned into a vampire. It read like poetry. I thought the couple of paragraphs of backstory so close to the beginning (about the murdered Realtor) could use either some trimming, or written more through the filter of Ms. Brooks' emotional response to what happened, probably a little of both. On the other hand, the few lines about Ray, (when I used to love him, etc.) was just enough backstory for the length of this piece. Something about calling the vampire a waif throughout the story seemed odd to me. It does conjure a look and a movement in the reader's mind, but you might actually describe how she moves. The staring is good, her attire description is good. Also, I didn't have a clear picture of Ms. Brooks. Her internal monolog made her sound younger than I think you had in mind. Is she supposed to be around 50? She sounded more like 30. You touched on the age difference between the two characters, described it succintly and cleaverly, since a vampire could be very old, yet their appearance forever young, so they seem old and young at the same time. It's just something about the way Ms. Brooks thinks, not quite seasoned enough. It's just a gut response. Suggestions: first paragraph, how does the bleak day make Ms. Brooks' body feel? Do her bones hurt? You told me how the day makes the house look, but the house isn't the main character. When the client is so insistent about seeing the house at night, how does Ms. Brooks feel about that? You "tell" me about a murder in the past. Also, "show" me Ms. Brooks figit with her button, or begin to sweat with the thought of going there at night. Something visual and emotional. Again, it's a neat story. Keep writing. Hope some of my comments help. (28-May-08)
Author Reply: "Thank you so much for your comments. You and Tara have provided me with some good constructive criticism that I have started to incorporate into a revision of the story. One thing I have done is dropped the backstory of the murdered Realtor, and focused more on the buyer's "need" to avoid the sun (hence, her desire to meet at night). I originally thought of Ms. Brooks as being about 50, but age is something I find difficult to pin down. She's young enough to want to escape her husband and move to a Florida beach and re-experience something of her youth, but she's old enough to have shared a long history with Ray and, in my revision, that's a history she finds hard to let go of. Thanks again for your comments. I really appreciate them." (02-Jun-08)

Tara Nicholas : This is a little tease of a much larger potential story. I felt the introduction of her dissappointment with her husband was a little jarring. Perhaps weave it into some other part of the beginning so it doesn't come across as so much exposition. When you mention the commission you could mention how it will provide freedom as well. I like the descriptions of the cellar and use of the word moist is great. Old root cellars have a moist smell to them which I think you captured rather well. The dialogue read naturally - even with the weird displayed characters for single quotes and double quotes. (Site needs to fix this, please.) SPOILER ALERT HERE -------- You provided hope that she may not be completely eaten but turned. Was she afraid of the waif woman or mildly intriqued by her? Would she want to be turned? Was selling the house her only motivation? Perhaps she had a small seductive quality toward the waif. You hinted at that near the end with how the "bite" felt on her neck. Was that intentional? It's the first time any sort of sexual context was mentioned and just before the story ends so it gives hope she would still live. Especially given this line "...only this time, in my fantasy, it's after dark and the moon is my sun." If you had mentioned pain and fear we could assume it wasn't a gentle death and she really did die. Minor clarity near the end would be helpful with foreshadowing somehow. I liked the story though. Thanks for sharing and look forward to seeing if there is more from you like this. (10-May-08)
Author Reply: "Tara, Thank you so much for your comments. I agree that I need to rework the first couple of pages. The paragraphs on the buyer's "sensitivity" to the sun and the death of Ms. Brook's friend were suggested by a friend who thought I needed to include some explanation as to why the vampire was able to be out in the day, and to heighten the sense of danger that Ms. Brooks herself was in. I think those paragraphs are still important, but, as you note, I need to work on their placement. I also agree that I need to work on the ending. Thanks again. I'm happy when I get complimented on my writing, but I like it even better when I get suggestions for improvement :-) " (14-May-08)