 Backseats [P] [• READ THIS TITLE •]
Genre(s): Thriller/Suspense,
Short Story•Language: English
Author: scrapsoflife
Brief Synopsis
How well do we really know those who share our space?
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Author Notes
I'm not sure if this is a start-to-finish or a jumping off point for a longer story to play with.
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Reviews
S. Gaia Chapin : This was funny. Reminded me of an episode of Twilight Zone. It may have been done before, but what hasn't? I'd say also that you write well. There's potential here. Not sure if I'd expand on this one, though. Keep writing. (19-Nov-07)
Author Reply: "Thanks! I actually had planned to use this as a jumping off point for this year's NaNo but things went somewhat awry and it's turned into something else. This one will get expaned only a little, I think, just to make the ending make more sense." (20-Nov-07)
S. Gaia Chapin : Interesting how what we write so often turns into something we don't expect. I find it's usually better than what I intended. I like to think that's because the greater Universal mind knows more than our small minds. About the ending of your story, remember Hitchcock ended all his films abruptly. When it's over, it's over. I thought yours ended fine. Good luck! (20-Nov-07 )
Author Reply:: Hadn't thought of Hitchcock, honestly. That's a good point! Thanks!ASI: 0
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Mercy Manic : The dialog is very natural and witty in this piece. The ending is a touch cliched, though of the kind that still sells. The ending feels a bit too contrived, as though it's missing a little something.
Perhaps a reason behind natural composting being interpreted in such a grisly way.
A few tweaks...
"Here's a though,"... thought?
A laugh rumbled in his chest, reverberating through his shirt into her ear... I knew what you meant but the wording is awkward here. I didn't think her head was resting on his chest.
protest lodged... Lodged where?
A good write overall. (10-Sep-07)
Author Reply: "Ack, I've been found out: my endings need a lot of work. I'm thinking more that this will be expanded into an actual long-format work and the 'ending' may be taken off completely and worked into the rest of the story. 'Though' was definitely meant to be 'thought,' mea culpa on that one, and I'll have to take a look at the other sections. Thanks for the feedback!" (10-Sep-07)
Mercy Manic : Heh, at least you get to an ending and write it. I'm still working on learning how to do that at all. ;)
I do think this would do well as a longer piece, perhaps with more black comedy and description thrown in. (10-Sep-07 )
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